Whoops, went quiet for a month and a half there. I'm still around! Not a lot's happened, though; I've mostly just been working. I hope there are still people here.

To my surprise as much as yours, I finally finished the answers to that character-number meme: the one where I picked fifteen characters and you asked questions like 'would Six and Eleven make a good couple?' without knowing which character corresponded to which number. The one I posted more than a year ago. That one. Whoops.

Previous answer instalments are here and here. Fandoms represented below the cut are My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy XII, Final Fantasy XIII, Uncharted, The Mentalist, Red Dead Redemption, Phineas and Ferb, Portal, Peep Show, Silent Hill and Pokémon.



dracothelizard:
Fluttershy, Lightning and Elena Fisher have a Top Gear-style contest where they must use different forms of transportation to get from Point A to Point B. How does this go?
I suppose Fluttershy uses her wings, Lightning rides Odin in his horse-form and Elena... I don't know. Elena drives a Jeep? Elena rides that goddamn jet ski from the goddamn jet ski section in the first game?

Lightning probably gets there first because, come on, she's riding a god. Fluttershy is capable of extremely fast speeds but needs the proper incentive to reach them. 'Your friends are in danger and need help' would get her to fly at full capacity, but I don't think her competitive instinct is strong enough for her to go full-speed in this race. Plus she's quite intimidated by Lightning, which would probably impair her flying.

Elena never gets across the finish line, because she is riding that goddamn jet ski upstream and it's terrible and where did all these explosive barrels come from? Eventually she just gives up in frustration. This race really isn't worth it.

Squall Leonhart is a James Bondesque superspy, Mark Corrigan is their boss, Yuna is their gadgety person. Patrick Jane is the evil villain with John Marston as a minion and Snow Villiers as the sexy femme fatale whom Squall seduces into becoming a good person. How does Squall thwart Jane's evil plan, and what is Jane's evil plan anyway?
The idea of Snow Villiers as a sexy femme fatale (or indeed Squall performing anything that could be termed a seduction) is slightly mind-shattering, although Marston does make a good minion. I suppose Yuna provides Squall with some sort of means to summon GFs/aeons/eidolons/whatever summons are called in this scenario, considering there are characters from three different Final Fantasy games involved. Maybe Squall seduces Snow by summoning Shiva, who does the seduction on his behalf, because Squall certainly isn't going to manage it himself.

Jane wouldn't call himself evil, but he is a vigilante who needs to be stopped. (He wouldn't call himself a vigilante who needs to be stopped either, but you know what I mean.) He employs Marston to take down killers whom the law has not convicted. Marston was fairly easy to convince. It makes sense that Snow is on Jane's side, too; it's hard to imagine Snow engaging with anything obviously evil, but given his hero complex and distaste for authority he could easily end up part of a vigilante group.

Squall thwarts Jane's evil plan by going after Jane with his gunblade, having got information on his location from Snow. Jane, for all his confidence in situations that involve talking, is terrified of physical harm and would surrender extremely quickly.

And then he'd escape from prison, of course, but that's another story.


thewaterbandit:
John Marston, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Squall Leonhart form a superhero team! What are their powers and codenames, and how terrible of an idea is this?
Well, Doofenshmirtz, or 'THE DOOFINATOR', has the power of bringing disaster upon any project he attempts, so it's a pretty terrible idea from the start.

THE DOOFINATOR has to be rendered in allcaps when written and dramatically announced when spoken. Doofenshmirtz waits for a thunderstorm before telling his teammates what he's decided his codename will be. He attempts to time his announcement so it will coincide with a flash of lightning. He almost succeeds.

Marston, or 'Deadeye', has the power to slow down time so he can line up a shot, unsurprisingly. Doofenshmirtz is a bit uneasy about working with this guy. All those guns! You could have someone's eye out with those things!

Squall, if he bothers to come up with a codename at all, is 'Griever'. He has the power to pass unnoticed through a crowd.

They go on exactly one mission together. Somehow THE DOOFINATOR manages to blow up their base in the process. They were only trying to stop some shoplifters! How did this happen?

Lightning and Yuna have a picnic, who brings what?
Yuna brings everything. Lightning was not aware that they were going to have a picnic. She thought they were having a guardian strategy discussion. If she'd known the plan was to have a picnic, she wouldn't have come.

Lightning does end up enjoying herself, but she'd deny it if you asked her (and probably punch you).

The thought of Lightning as Yuna's guardian had never occurred to me before, but now I really want to see that. I think Lightning would come to care about Yuna a lot.

Balthier, Patrick Jane, Nathan Drake and Fluttershy have to form a Pokémon gym. Who is the leader, who are the minions, what is the theme and what Pokémon do they have?
Well, Balthier is a sky pirate and Fluttershy is a pegasus, so I'm imagining a Flying gym. But Nate would probably have Ground-types, wouldn't he? Man, your preferred types could not contradict each other any more if you tried. Gligar and Gliscor are Ground/Flying, so maybe Nate has those. And then he has a Sandile, just to confuse people challenging the Flying gym and also because it's perfect for him.

Balthier is the leader, I think. He and Fran challenge you together and both send out Skarmory. He considered having an Emolga but felt it unsporting, because Emolga is the most irritating Pokémon to battle in the entire world.

Jane has a collection of boring early-route Flying/Normal-types - Pidgey, Spearow, Taillow, Starly, Pidove - that he's taught weird moves like Toxic and Steel Wing and Heat Wave and Supersonic.

Fluttershy doesn't really like to fight, so she just cheers her gymmates on. Quietly.


timydamonkey:
Yuna and the Companion Cube are in a pub. What are they talking about?
Why did I make one of the characters an inanimate object? Why did I do that to myself? Maybe Yuna is speaking aloud to the Companion Cube about her reasons for becoming a summoner, seeking a way to get her feelings straight in her head without being expected to answer questions. The Companion Cube is probably good for that sort of thing.

Fluttershy and Balthier are captaining teams for University Challenge. Who would be on their teams, who would win, and why?
Both Fluttershy and Balthier have the curious disadvantage of not having grown up on Earth; try answering questions on geography or history or literature when you don't live on this planet. I suppose perhaps Fluttershy is more disadvantaged because she isn't human. Maybe this is a special edition of University Challenge on... Equestria and Ivalice? Er. Probably not.

Balthier's team consists of Fran, Ashe and Larsa. Fluttershy's team has Twilight Sparkle, Rarity and Pinkie Pie (everyone was dubious about including Pinkie Pie, but she insisted and, in fact, she does know a surprising amount about obscure topics). Their lack of Earth-based knowledge turns out to be irrelevant because both teams are promptly disqualified for containing non-students. You weren't even trying to hide that, Balthier; every member of your team is famous and one of them is twelve.

Lightning, Rainbow Dash and Dr Doofenshmirtz go camping together. How does the trip go?
I am having serious trouble imagining Lightning camping for pleasure. What might cause these three to camp together? They're... all on the run from the law? Sounds plausible enough.

Dr Doofenshmirtz's Tentinator can put up a tent in an instant! ...in theory. In practice... well. Their tent is now mostly on fire. Lightning knew travelling with these two would be a bad idea. Rainbow Dash grabs a raincloud to put it out, but the smoke's probably alerted the authorities, so they have to keep going.

They don't sleep that night. Everyone is extremely grumpy the next morning.

In this scenario, would the 'authorities' they're fleeing be Perry the Platypus? I like to think so.

Elena Fisher finds themself becoming a supporting character in a Silent Hill game. What game are they in and what is their role?
The only Silent Hill game I've actually played is the second. In Silent Hill 2, she'd probably act as a voice of normality, someone grounded, pointing out to James that literally nothing about this situation makes sense and this place is dangerous and he needs to get out of here now. James refuses to listen to her. He also finds her very attractive and tries to pretend to himself that he doesn't.

Snow Villiers finds themself in detention. How did this happen?
I suspect he either wouldn't stop talking during lessons or tried to stir up a revolution against the school administration in response to excessive homework demands. Possibly both simultaneously.

If Squall Leonhart became a Pokemon gym leader, what would their selection of Pokemon be and why?
All his Pokémon are Cubone because he has abandonment issues and I'm a horrible person. I have no idea why Squall would end up a gym leader; I can't imagine he cares much about the Pokémon League.

Nathan Drake suddenly gets the ability to go into Patrick Jane's mind. What would they see in there and what would they do?
Oh, no, Jane would hate this.

Nate would probably use this opportunity to learn all of Jane's mentalism tricks and employ them himself. He always seems to get them wrong when he tries to demonstrate them to impress Elena, though.

I don't think Jane would harm Nate if he discovered the situation, but the scary thing is that I can't guarantee it. Seriously, Jane would really really not like anyone being able to see inside his head.

Mark Corrigan gains a GF. What GF would they have and why? (Tip: You can use aeons/espers/eidolons etc. too)
Mark feels he's really hit rock bottom when he answers a newspaper advertisement offering a GF. It's probably a scam, but it's worth a try, he supposes.

As it turns out, the advertisement wasn't a scam. Neither, however, was it offering a girlfriend. Now he has a demonic train living in his head. That's just bloody typical, isn't it?

Choo choo, Doomtrain snarls, terrifyingly. Choo choo.

"Fuck off," Mark mutters, burying his head in his hands.

GLaDOS is the new incarnation of the Doctor. What crazy shenanigans will this cause?
TERRIFYING ONES. TERRIFYING CRAZY SHENANIGANS. GLaDOS wouldn't look out of place in the TARDIS, actually.

Here is what GLaDOS does as the Doctor: she leaves the TARDIS sitting around with its door open. If a curious human enters, she slams the doors, takes said human somewhere incredibly dangerous, ejects her 'companion' and remotely monitors them to see how long they survive.


vzg:
Squall Leonhart and Lightning find themselves saddled with a clone-baby. How do they react?
...wow, this is not a very parental couple. Lightning has half a handful of maternal instincts, I suppose, but she's far from the world's greatest mother-figure, and Squall would be completely lost. His SeeD training did not prepare him for this. I have a mental image of Squall prodding the baby uncomfortably with the handle of his gunblade, but I don't think he'd be quite so irresponsible.

Squall and Lightning stand side-by-side, their arms folded, staring at the baby. Squall's eyebrow is starting to twitch.

'I'll call Sazh,' Lightning says, eventually.

Patrick Jane is taking care of the aforementioned clone-baby. How does that go? Would asking Rainbow Dash for help make it easier?
ASKING RAINBOW DASH FOR HELP WOULD NOT MAKE IT EASIER.

Fortunately, Jane loves babies and is excellent with kids. It is much better off in his care than it was with Squall and Lightning. PROVIDED HE DOESN'T ASK RAINBOW DASH FOR HELP.

Squall and Lightning never ask for their clone-daughter back. Jane raises her as his own. She is very, very pretty and probably an accomplished confidence trickster.

Balthier and Dr Doofenshmirtz are at a party. Who has a more memorable night?
Balthier, because midway through Dr Doofenshmirtz sets off his De-Partyinator. Trying to make small talk at parties is just so awkward, and so he brought along a party-destroying device just in case he found himself in that situation. For Dr Doofenshmirtz, of course, it's just one device in a thousand, but Balthier has never seen food and decorations and guests all disappearing into a tiny vacuum cleaner before. He and Fran escape on the airbike and conclude that this is an event best not discussed.

The Companion Cube enters into the world of semi-professional wrestling; what is their wrestling name, what are their special moves, and how are they received?
...erm.

I suppose its wrestling name would be Pandora's Box. Its special moves would include falling on the opponent (although obviously it needs someone to elevate it first) and sitting inanimately in the middle of the ring. It is enormously popular.

John Marston and Fluttershy switch bodies. Describe what happens next.
Fluttershy becomes terrified of herself. She's carrying all these guns! What if they accidentally go off? She's too scared to remove the guns or handle them in any way, so she just stands very very still and does nothing.

I am having trouble envisioning how Marston would react to finding himself in the body of a winged pony. He'd go in search of some way to change back, I suppose. If he and Fluttershy are together, he realises very quickly that he has to protect his body, because she's not gonna survive for long in a place like this. So Marston and Fluttershy set off in search of Edgar Ross, because Marston strongly suspects that some kind of new government technology is behind this switch, and Marston kicks every bandit they come across in the face.

Mark Corrigan is given a kitten. What do they name it, and how long before Elena Fisher takes it away? (And if Elena is unfit, how long before Nathan Drake brings it to a more fitting home?)
I'm amused by the fact that, although Elena is an entirely fit kitten-owner, it's presumably going to end up living with Nate as well anyway.

It's a good thing that the Drake-Fisher household takes the kitten, frankly, because I can't see Mark's kitten-ownership ending well. Neither, as it happens, can Mark. The kitten is not a lovely comforting companion; it is a symbol of terror, because he knows, he just knows that something awful is going to happen to it. In the long run, it's probably a good thing that he stumbled over his words so badly when speaking to Elena that she thought he was an animal molester and rescued it. Unless she was the One. Oh, God, she was probably the One.

The kitten is an excellent addition to the Drake-Fisher household. They name it Francis. Nate is completely smitten and feeds Francis scraps of his food at meals, despite Elena's half-hearted efforts to prevent him.

Yuna, Snow Villiers, and GLaDOS are carpooling. Who drives, who annoys the other two the most, and what is the likelihood of them making it to work on time ever?
...I suppose GLaDOS has been downloaded to the car somehow and is therefore controlling it?

Snow annoys the other two the most, and by 'the other two' I mean 'GLaDOS' because Yuna is incredibly patient. GLaDOS has the largest negative impact on her companions, but that's more alarm than irritation.

Making it to work on time, you say? If GLaDOS is driving, I suppose her passengers are now employed as Aperture Laboratories test subjects whether they like it or not. She sets the testing hours, so in theory there's no hurry. In reality, when they arrive, she arbitrarily decides testing should have started half an hour ago and snipes at them for being late, even though she was driving.



And that's it! ONLY TOOK ME THIRTEEN MONTHS.