I feel really
weird about this fic. I feel like, on some level, writing for something I last wrote for when I was fifteen has caused me to revert to the writing level I was at when I was fifteen. Maybe I'm imagining it. I hope I'm imagining it.
This fic also isn't screwed up at all, and that makes me uncomfortable. What's the point of fanfiction if nobody makes out with the wrong person or is trapped forever in a hallucinatory vortex of guilt?Title:
ClarityFandom: DN AngelRating:
Daisuke finally realises that Satoshi is in love with him.
It’s a warm day, and Daisuke’s sitting with Riku in the school grounds, eating lunch. It’s... it’s nice. But Satoshi is nearby, reading under a tree, and he’s just a constant reminder of how weird Daisuke’s life has become.
He’s a little worried about Satoshi. He knows Satoshi lives alone, and he seems to have gone back to eating alone as well, now that Daisuke is spending most of his lunch breaks with Riku. Daisuke finds it hard to imagine spending so much of every day without anyone to talk to.
Maybe Satoshi is... okay with it? He’s always seemed quiet, after all.
Daisuke remembers that strange, fierce moment with Satoshi after Krad first awoke within him. I can never allow anything to become important to me.
He wants to invite Satoshi over to their bench, to sit with him and Riku. But he doesn’t know whether Riku would be comfortable around him. It’s kind of tough to be comfortable around Satoshi.
“Hm?” Daisuke asks, looking over at Riku.
“You were staring at Satoshi,” Riku says. “Should I be worried?”
“Worried?” Daisuke asks, panic leaping up in him. Does she know the truth? Will ‘no, he only wants to arrest half
of me’ be any kind of reassurance?
Riku bumps him with her shoulder. “That you’re going to choose him over me.”
Daisuke looks blankly at her. Riku looks back.
There’s a moment’s silence before Riku speaks again. “He’s in love with you, you dope.”
He... probably didn’t hear that right. “What?”
Riku is staring at him. “You really didn’t know?”Satoshi?
“Riku,” Daisuke protests, “you’re being silly.”
“So you haven’t noticed how weird he gets around you?”
Daisuke hesitates. “Well, maybe he’s a little strange, sometimes, but... that’s just Satoshi, isn’t it?”
“He gets kind of... intimate, I guess,” Riku says. “With you. He barely goes near anyone else. And he’s always watching you in class.”
“That’s just...” He can’t exactly tell her it’s because he’s Dark. “Uh...”
“Hey!” Risa sits abruptly on Daisuke’s other side. “Are we gossiping about Satoshi?”
Riku snorts with laughter. “We
aren’t gossiping about anyone. You’re so nosy, Risa.”
Even though he’s with Riku now, even though he doesn’t really think of Risa in that way any more, it feels a little strange to be this close to both twins at once. Daisuke stares at his knees, feeling his face burn. He can hear Dark laughing in his mind.
He clears his throat. He needs to distract himself, or he might actually transform. “We were wondering whether Satoshi might be...” In love with me
. He can’t say it. “...interested in guys.”
“Oh!” Risa wrings her hands together for a moment, biting her lip. “Okay, I’m gonna tell you something about Satoshi, but it’s a secret, all right? I’ve never told anyone else. You can’t talk about it.”
“We won’t,” Riku says, looking curiously over at her.
“Ah,” Daisuke says, “I don’t... I don’t know if you should be telling us Satoshi’s secrets.”
“I have to tell someone
,” Risa says, bristling. “I’ve kept this to myself for months
. You don’t understand how hard it’s been.”
Daisuke suspects he might, in fact, have an idea of what it’s like to be sitting on a really big secret. And he wants to do the noble thing, he wants to insist that anything private about Satoshi should stay private.
But he also really
wants to know.
“Okay,” he says. “What is it?”Daisuke!
Dark exclaims in his mind, mock-appalled.Shut up,
Daisuke thinks back, fiercely.
Risa nods. “Okay. So, this one time, I was talking to Satoshi about Dark. And I said maybe we were both in love with him.”
“With Dark?” Daisuke asks, feeling himself flush.
“You said that to Satoshi?
” Riku asks incredulously, almost at the same time.
“He was dressed as... he was in disguise, okay? I didn’t know who he was; I only figured it out later. And he said maybe
Daisuke chokes on his own breath. “Maybe?
Maybe he was in love with Dark?
“Seriously,” Riku mutters. “Why does everyone around here have such bad taste?”
“So he’s definitely into guys,” Risa concludes, triumphantly. “He wouldn’t say that if he wasn’t into guys at all, right?” She shoots Riku a glare. “Although obviously anyone
would fall in love with Dark.”Obviously,
Dark echoes smugly in Daisuke’s head.Do you think it’s true?
Daisuke asks him.That Satoshi’s in love with me? I think Risa’s just made it clear that any right-thinking person would be. And it would explain his little crossdressing seduction plan.I’m more worried about what Riku was saying,
Daisuke mutters, as the twins argue over Dark’s merits or lack thereof. He can’t really be in love with me, right?Satoshi?
Dark asks. Obviously he’s in love with you.
Daisuke’s face is going to burn off if his blush gets any deeper. Don’t kid around.Who’s kidding? I can’t believe you never figured it out.
It can’t be true. It can’t
But now Dark is dredging up memories and showing them to him: strange silences, moments too close, Satoshi gripping his wrist, his shoulder, Satoshi’s eyes blazing with panic and guilt, I don’t want to hurt you!
This is so strange. It barely seems possible. But... but he looks back at everything, and it’s almost beginning to make sense.
Daisuke’s chest tightens with dread. He’s going to have to talk to Satoshi about this, isn’t he?-
Daisuke tracks Satoshi down at the end of the day, near the school gate, his heart beating hard against his chest. “Can we walk home together?”
Satoshi gives him a searching look. “We live in opposite directions.”
God, he had to bring that up and make it awkward. Satoshi’s used the ‘let’s walk home together’ excuse to talk to Daisuke before, and Daisuke had been polite enough not to mention it.
It’s strange to think of that now, how Satoshi had pinned him against a wall on the way to his house, how close
he had got. Daisuke had thought at the time it was just an (extremely successful) effort to intimidate him, but now...
“Are you in love with me?” Daisuke asks.
Satoshi takes a sharp step back, his eyes wide.
It’s so strange to see Satoshi’s composure break. It doesn’t usually happen unless something is really wrong, life-threateningly wrong.
“I mean,” Daisuke says, shifting on his feet, “Riku thought you might be, and...”
There’s a long pause.
Satoshi straightens up, his closed-off self again. “I can’t afford to love anyone.”
Daisuke lets out a breath. It isn’t really an answer. If there were nothing to Riku’s theory, he’d deny it, wouldn’t he? “Because of Krad.”
Satoshi doesn’t reply.
“You turn into Krad the same way I turn into Dark, don’t you? With – with love.” He’s thinking of the feeling that transforms him, that hot twist in his stomach. Love
is the word his mother always uses for it, but there’s something... more physical to it than that. Does Satoshi really feel that way about him?
It’s a little uncomfortable to contemplate. “And you do
turn into him sometimes, so I know you don’t feel nothing for anyone.”
More silence. Satoshi meets his eyes, quietly, and Daisuke knows it’s true.
“I’m sorry,” Daisuke says. This is the worst part. He doesn’t want to inflict pain on Satoshi, but it seems like it would be worse to let him hope. “I don’t think I can feel the same way.”
“I know,” Satoshi says. There’s no bitterness there; it’s just a fact.
“Um,” Daisuke says, thrown.
“So now you understand why it’s not safe for you to be around me,” Satoshi says. He pauses, grimaces. “We should stop spending time together, outside our work. I can hold Krad back most of the time, but if I let down my guard—”
“I don’t care about what’s safe!
Satoshi falls silent, staring at him.
“You’re my friend, Satoshi,” Daisuke says. “I don’t want to give that up. I don’t think we spend enough
time together. If you’re okay with taking the risk, I am too.”
Satoshi makes a small, shocked noise and presses a hand against his chest. Drops to his knees.
“Satoshi?” Daisuke asks in alarm.
Satoshi is drawing sharp-edged breaths in through his open mouth, like he’s in pain, like something is struggling to burst out of him, and through his own rising panic Daisuke feels Dark tense up for a fight.
But Satoshi’s breathing steadies, and the moment passes. He looks up at Daisuke and gives him a weak smile. “You really are dangerous.”
“Are you okay?” Daisuke asks, tentatively.
Satoshi nods. “I apologise. I... wasn’t prepared for that. Being called a friend.”
A memory comes back to Daisuke: Risa saying they should just be friends, shattering his dreams. It feels like someone else’s life. “I’m sorry. I know it must be painful for you to hear.”
“No,” Satoshi says, and his smile is stronger now. “It’s more than I was hoping for.”